Billy Connolly’s Desiderata – Heiniger-Net Archiv

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
Have lots of long lie-ins.
Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction: tell people you’re ninety-seven and they’ll think you look f****** great.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
Never eat food that comes in a bucket.
If you don’t know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting. Boo joggers. Don’t work out, work in.
Play the banjo.
Sleep with somebody you like.
Eat plenty of Liquorice Allsorts.
Try to live in a place you like.
Marry somebody you like.
Try to do a job you like.
Never turn down an opportunity to shout, ‘F*** them all!’ at the top of your voice.
Avoid bigots of all descriptions.
Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old … look forward to it.
Don’t wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? … He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.
Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there’s spinach on them.
Avoid people who say they know the answer and keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Don’t pat animals with sneaky eyes.
If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11 a.m., start one.
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swearwords.
If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six ‘fuck’s in it.
Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.
Don’t be talked into wearing a uniform and salute nobody.
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
Campaign against blue Smarties.
Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you’ll know what I mean when I say: ‘It’s good to be alive!’. “