\n- Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.<\/li>\n
- Have lots of long lie-ins.<\/li>\n
- Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction: tell people you’re ninety-seven and they’ll think you look f****** great.<\/li>\n
- Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.<\/li>\n
- Never eat food that comes in a bucket.<\/li>\n
- If you don’t know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting. Boo joggers. Don’t work out, work in.<\/li>\n
- Play the banjo.
\n![](\"https:\/\/www.johns-jokes.com\/afiles\/images\/billy_connolly_05.jpg\")
<\/li>\n - Sleep with somebody you like.<\/li>\n
- Eat plenty of Liquorice Allsorts.<\/li>\n
- Try to live in a place you like.<\/li>\n
- Marry somebody you like.<\/li>\n
- Try to do a job you like.<\/li>\n
- Never turn down an opportunity to shout, ‘F*** them all!’ at the top of your voice.<\/li>\n
- Avoid bigots of all descriptions.<\/li>\n
- Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old … look forward to it.<\/li>\n
- Don’t wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.<\/li>\n
- Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? … He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.<\/li>\n
- Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there’s spinach on them.<\/li>\n
- Avoid people who say they know the answer and keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.<\/li>\n
- Don’t pat animals with sneaky eyes.<\/li>\n
- If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11 a.m., start one.<\/li>\n
- Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swearwords.<\/li>\n
- If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six ‘fuck’s in it.<\/li>\n
- Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.<\/li>\n
- Don’t be talked into wearing a uniform and salute nobody.<\/li>\n
- Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.<\/li>\n
- Campaign against blue Smarties.<\/li>\n
- Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you’ll know what I mean when I say: ‘It’s good to be alive!’. “<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways. Have lots of long lie-ins. Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction: tell people …<\/span> Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13639","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fun"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/heiniger-net-archive.blog-net.ch\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13639","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/heiniger-net-archive.blog-net.ch\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/heiniger-net-archive.blog-net.ch\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heiniger-net-archive.blog-net.ch\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heiniger-net-archive.blog-net.ch\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13639"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/heiniger-net-archive.blog-net.ch\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13639\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13645,"href":"https:\/\/heiniger-net-archive.blog-net.ch\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13639\/revisions\/13645"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/heiniger-net-archive.blog-net.ch\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13639"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heiniger-net-archive.blog-net.ch\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13639"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/heiniger-net-archive.blog-net.ch\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13639"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}